a new normal.

Change is always hard. No matter how exciting or anticipated there is always an adjustment period. However, eventually you adjust to your 'new normal' and often it is hard to even remember what life was like before the big change.

I thought my adjustment to being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) would be a little tough. Given how I agonized over my decision and dreaded telling my boss, I thought that I would have a bit of regret, especially in these first few weeks. Also, I have some friends who really didn't embrace the SAHM gig, which made me wonder if I would have some trouble adjusting too. But truth be told, I love my new life!

The words that were casually mentioned to me the weekend before I drafted my resignation letter hit the nail on the head. It really was a matter of what I was walking towards rather than what I was leaving behind. My job will always be there. Well, not in the true sense of that statement considering they have filled my position, but A job will always be there. On the other hand, Baby Girl will never be a baby again. The things that I would have missed these past 4 weeks could already fill up several pages in her baby book.

My new normal isn't all about staring at a baby and waiting for her to do something new and exciting (although she is rolling rather consistently now and I love to admire her skills!). My days are filled with lots of productive tasks, believe it or not. I think the perception of what a SAHM does is part of the reason I had some anxiety over my decision. I thought I would have lots of free time on my hands, thus creating a situation where I had time to feel regret, loneliness, and boredom. Well, I am here to tell you that I feel even more productive in my new life as a SAHM than I ever did working full time and raising a baby at the same time. It is bizarre and I can't quite figure it all out. However, I think the explanation has something to do with being fully present in my life now. I don't feel pulled in a hundred different ways anymore. I have a sense of calm that had been missing and that missing piece was what was contributing to my unhappiness.

When I was working full time I never felt like I was where I needed to be and I always felt behind. I ran around work trying to fit my therapist and management duties in between nursing a baby at daycare across the street. I plowed through the 2 hours at home prior to Olivia's bedtime like a crazy woman trying to get our supper planned and cooked while entertaining and loving on our baby. I spent the time between Olivia's bedtime and my own catching up on the things I didn't have time to get to earlier in the day (ie., laundry, kitchen clean up, email, a conversation with Andy), but there was never enough time. I was irritated and exhausted as I fell into bed each night knowing that I was going to wake up and do it all over again (well, in reality I was going to wake up a time or two before morning thanks to our precious little one), but you get the picture. I was always doing something, yet I didn't feel productive. I felt the complete opposite. I felt a bit out of control.

However, that is all behind me now! I feel calm and balanced again. I know that we made the right decision and that makes my heart happy. My new normal consists of nap schedules, tummy time, reading books, singing songs, lunch dates, play dates, cooking, cleaning, and always knowing that I am right where I should be.